Saturday, March 3, 2018

PANICKY WISDOM (My Panic Attack)

Today I had a panic attack. But it was unlike any panic attack I've ever had, and I've had around ten of those, which typically last around 10 minutes of solid freak-out, which don't involve thought of any kind. This was an hour and 22 minute-long hyper-ventilating panic auto-contemplation and realization of all the wrongs I've done in my life, how fucked up I've let things get, and how I can't pay certain things back. Like time. Like emotions. It was the epiphany of rock bottom and removal of the filter of dishonesty in my head which applies to every thought I ever have and nearly every thing I ever do. I was pacing and shaking uncontrollably, could barely hold a phone. Couldn't use my computer. I'd tried to get consolation via my mother, poor woman, asked her to "please validate me!" It was not a task she could perform. But I was completely out of control and in panic mode. I didn't know what was going to happen and I thought I was losing my mind when it didn't stop. It kept going, processing, computing. My brain had to work out the fact that it knew what I had done in writing that letter, what it had to do and how it had to see the world. I had to come to terms with what I had so elegantly written yesterday, while sobbing and snotting, but not quite fully comprehending, I would later learn. 

Last night I had the hard talk with my folks, overt transparency, and that went well, but my intention and mind were working ahead of me. The music I was facing, as they say, only all hit me in totality this morning. The final process took nearly an hour and a half, until it was crystal. It's like that line from Apocalypse Now, "...then I realized... like I was shot... like I was shot with a diamond... a diamond bullet right through my forehead." And I sat on the middle of my bed and fell into a zen-like calm. I just simply understood. It was boiled down to a singularity. Brutal honestly with no compromise, with loved ones, with my self.

My brain just had to process the decision it had made. All the dishonesty, not just with drinking but every wrong I've ever committed. My mind unparsed a myriad of deceits and falsehoods and concepts I had fabricated over the years, just because lying is an easy artform, or easy for me; I'm very skilled. Not to purposefully wrong anyone but to get what I wanted, or I wasn't willing to let go, or too scared to do. It was the coldest of remorse but ultimately I've had the wool lifted from over my own eyes. It's terrifying and anticipatory, like a photo of someone just as they're being shot, by themselves. 

I deceived myself most of all. But it was a right of passage and it was painful but ultimately necessary, like molting a skin. I now understand the true meaning behind the phrase, "re-born": birth is extremely painful, but it's how we all enter the world, new. I am not the fiction of being reborn but I am on board. Like a psychopath talking to himself. And I have zero doubt about the answer. 

Once I understood, my panic attack stopped. 
Now, I don't feel any better about myself, I still reel at my past and present, I deserve no reprieve. I could die today and there would only be debt and damage, and a couple pretty pictures. My ego has not been influenced in either direction, but I feel confident of this understanding and know that it is the right way to now live. It's something I imagine most people learn and adopt early in life, but it took me 41 years. And I don't expect nor deserve forgiveness for, but I need to acknowledge it, and express that truth. It's ultimately selfish, catharsis, but it's how we try and even the keel while within the choppy waters of our selves.

Nothing changes about "I fucked literally everything up." But it's not under a tarp or lost in a pretty picture. No gloss, only shit. I had said I felt as though I were in a dream, where I was naked, standing in the middle of a busy intersection, and I had a test to take and a plane to catch. 


And because I have the new ethic, to be honest now, I can say, the fucking "Christmas Story" was an extremely BAD influence on me in this regard. Ralphie taught me how to lie. (And a German boy Victor taught me how to steal candy from a corner store somewhere in Tacoma, but that is another story.) Grow up, Ralphie. 

#alcohol #alcoholism #alcoholic #stigma #detox #soberingup #sober #iquit #Abstinence #panicattack #panicdisorder #mentalhealth #anxiety #anxietyattack #meditation #insight #revelation #epiphany 

THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE, AGAIN. AND AGAIN. (A light letter to my dear folks!)


The "Admittance". The truth. And the sting...

Alcohol, as a need for self medication (for anxiety, depression, being miserable in a relationship, you name it,) has completely and utterly ruined my life. I've not been FULLY honest with ANYONE (including me) about how sick I've become. I hide it well. Except for when I really don't, which is most of the time.

Shame. ( or Google/Youtube "Rebranding our shame | Adi Jaffe | TEDxUCLA")

Admitting weakness and failure and a lack of self control (esp. to Dad, see Freud) openly (i.e., even though they are ironically plainly -and painfully- evident in my current living state), has been something I have not been able to do, period. I'm already not good at emoting with you two, (I don't know where that stems from?) But I see now I have done everything in my power to avoid it. I can't anymore. It's tearing me apart and causing me to break down, increasingly, every day, as well as probably you. Yesterday, though sober, I completely broke down after a full morning of stress and the reminder of a loss of a friend, of my doing. It felt like an inevitable surge, and I've cried so much in the past couple days I probably have nothing left for this embarrassingly ridiculous but necessary letter. 

I've hit the wall at the bottom of the pit. 

And yet lately I've honestly thought I was doing better, thinking clearer. I've gotten extremely organized and cleaned up and am moving forward and feeling motivated. Blah blah blah. It's bullshit. I was just telling myself that, and telling everyone. I have a wake of proverbial trash and actual debt to remind me and you every day how I have otherwise failed. I am in denial in the biggest way, as I see it all, oddly, clearly. The organization and cleanliness are just a pretty shell, covering a rotten, self-deceiving core. I am not in control and am seemingly entirely preoccupied with this illness in one way or another. I will never agree with AA in that we are completely powerless and must rely on a higher power (somewhere inside I still have a belief in my potential,) but It has effected every thing and thought in my life, my self efficacy (which was already low), as well as I'm sure everyone who cares about me. And I need to ask for help. 

I am so sorry. I mean that, more than you'll ever know. I feel manipulative, dishonest (to everyone including me), reactionary, ill tempered, conniving, and petty. AND I AM. Admitting the ultimate level of selfishness is difficult, because I bend my own narrative in response to my expectations of the negative perceptions of those around me. And I've lost, broken, or given up (many) relationships due to: behavior, dishonesty, and caving to my anxiety which has only been exacerbated in a vicious cycle. (I do have you two and Erica as a support system, hopefully.)

It's all a very bad dream, like an out-of-body experience, watching myself, letting myself drown and I'm just flailing trying to grab any thing or anyone around me to float on, while they may sink and suffer below the surface. 

It's all so cliché...

I've lost the war, I concede. (Almost 2 decades?) I have become the person I loath the most. I realized yesterday that I literally, but unconsciously, don't like to look in the mirror anymore. Using alcohol gets rid of the mirror entirely.

BEING COMPLETELY OPEN & HONEST IS GOING TO BE EXTREMELY DIFFICULT, there is so much shame and guilt (and fear of it externally), and unexplainable things I've done or not done. But I owe it to everyone, and I'm ready to try. PLEASE be patient. I am not used to thinking that I care what other people think of me, but it seems I do. I want to regain trust and my own self worth.

Hence, today, because I am pretty sure I'm going through with this, is going to be the worst day of my life. (Honestly, as I write this I'm not positive I can take the leap.) But every day is the worst day of my life, no matter how I distract myself or hide it from those around me, and I need to start learning how to be honest about that, open about it. I'm so shut off and locked up it's like living in a constrictive, steel curtain. 

I know this is painful for you to read. It's everything you've been toiling over, whispering about, fearing, suspecting. It's not your fault. Let me repeat that, it's NOT YOUR FAULT AND YOU'RE NOT ENABLERS. I'm doing the same routine of lying to myself. I'm so fucking sorry. It's time to unlock it, all of it.* And I'm not going to kill myself or anything stupid and dramatic, (as long as Sebastian is alive, as I told Ma yesterday,) but I can't go on. Not like this anyway. I am in too much pain.

I can clean up well enough, and (usually) drive my car (especially now that I have a new battery...) and do what I need to do, bare minimum. I can be places, do most things I need to do, meet new people and (occaisionally) make friends, some of which I retain, sober. (Except interviews.) But there is no structure to my life -only the whirlwind spiral of suffering and subsequent denial of that suffering, while using as much as physically attainable and possible to numb the pulse and be able to take a single, long, deep, soothing breath. I don't think life in general is this painful, but my situation combined with chemical imbalances is; I've lived happily before and I know it's possible again. 

But I honestly don't even know how I'm still alive. So much poison. (Good genes...depending on how you look at that.) And I'm not pretending like I know what to do anymore. Outpatient didn't help, AA is a joke to me. (See  Dr. Marc F Kern), support groups do nothing for me. (I've tried other types.) Please believe that. 

I am doing a lot of research but I am also going to be in touch today with someone from Molina, my Healthcare Provider. I needed to schedule a physical assessment, a standard routine for new patients. But I am going to be up front with them about where I am at with all of this (alcohol, anxiety, depression, adult ADHD,) and explore whatever options are available. I've never been fully open with ANY doctor (just as I have never been fully open with you....or anyone,) and though I loath every idea that comes to mind for treatment, I am open and submit to what they recommend, because I do not know best. Hopefully I can get a good therapist who can also prescribe me what I need while transitioning away from alcohol, as I am done going to my psychiatrist in Seattle. (Maybe one last visit will be required.) And whatever else. I don't know. 

I don't know how to ask for help because I don't know how to fix myself. And next to telling you all of this, that is the hardest thing I've ever had to admit in my entire life. I have failed everyone, including me. 

I'm not giving up. I was dead to the world (save for my boy, I think he is a singular source of light in my life,) and I am starting to feel again and that feeling is dread, and fear and loathing. (To borrow.) I think it's important and perhaps even beneficial that I recognize this and face the pain. Medicine does not heal, time and wisdom heal. I want to be at least at square one again. 

Thank you and I love you both. Your support has been invaluable, and again please don't think you did anything wrong because of what I have become in your stay. I promise you I wouldn't let you help me until now, and have fiercely stuck to that ethic, all the while taking and taking and taking, believing it was just enough to get by (not even) and that every time was the last time -and not knowing how I was going to pay any of it back. I cannot take anything from you any more without feeling horrible. 

I don't know what I need yet. I will let doctors/professionals decide. 

Selfishly, I am hoping this will result in the eventual lifting of a lot of weight off of my shoulders. I only hope it doesn't cause the opposite for you. I don't want to be a burden and if you don't forgive me I fully understand. I need to move out and it's all driving me really quite mad. Me, me, me! So sick of me that I've let me go, for too long. But for now. 

Please, just listen, do not feel sorry for me; in return all I can offer so far is transparency. I hope but am uncertain we can be a symbiotic unit again. I am, however, hopeful there is, (and trying to manifest toward), the faintest possibility that today could also be, the best day of my life


*No, not all of it, I actually think we need to lock the booze up and hide the key....

#alcohol #alcoholism #alcoholic #stigma #detox #soberingup #sober #iquit #Abstinence 

Tuesday, May 28, 2013


I took the grip off and immediately realized this was a Rick Howard I bought from Mike York in between EMB and Pier 7. At the time I gave it a try, but hated it because it was too big and flat to do flip tricks on. Guess that's why I painted over it and forgot about it. I actually thought it was a Davey Rogers Beer City board that he gave me. Now I'm bummed because I don't know where that board is.

Latest weird cruiser design. The hammerhead model. I was a big fan of the Hosoi series back in the day, but this is not an ode, and not about functionality, it's about a cool fucking shape of a badass fish. Did you know that there is no record of a hammerhead shark killing a human? Afterthought: hope this doesn't look like a giant ribbed penis. But I guess either way it's impressive...

Monday, April 29, 2013


Some slogans/graphics I've been mulling over, that a friend wants to produce for his board company once it gets off the ground.

Not wanting to be a negative nancy. But I am seeing weird cliques at the parks lately, and they're complete with costumes/jerseys. So why not poke fun at the fashionista's?? Might as well while the shit's popular. (IT WILL BE UNPOPULAR ONE DAY, YES, IT WILL....) Who woulda thought it'd be the crusties and not the G's? Guess we're out of the 90's.

Afterthought: It's very weird when in the midst of a paradigm shift, where essentially anything trick-wise, style-wise etc. is on the table, that there are still trends that follow in circles. But I like the fact that there is a prominent beyond-the-bullshit mentality (whether conscious or not), that can be part of the non-group, who can do 5 foot lien airs and turn right around and switch 360 flip a flat gap with equal attitude and style. Kids are gettin' ridonk!

Whatever blows your hair (not facial hair) back!


Sunday, December 30, 2012

Some hands-on holiday crap

Who (i.e. which) shot first? Han or Greedo? Etched shot glasses.

Some boring but difficult stenciled etchings on shot glasses.

Cece painting study. I ended up going with her more beaming/piercing eyes.

Cece painting, staring you down. Gouache on acrylic on masonite. Frame was taken from a demo'd home bathroom medicine cabinet from when I was doing construction.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Adapting to a dynamic environment...

Just finished a logo for upcoming summit on climate conservation. I'll post info on when and where when I get it. 


One of my favorite artists as of late, Alice Pasquini, found her up in the Huff Post. Peep the video ("article" disappoints...more dribble about what street art is or isn't...), it's always cool to see ones method...

Here's her website.

Thursday, June 21, 2012


Patterns beckon obsessive reproduction. Through this reproduction, evolution happens unavoidably. Accidental variation coupled with intentional derivation = progressive development. 

And I just like the shape. 

Wednesday, April 4, 2012


Newest cruiser. Old shape carved from used deck; acrylic, oil-based paint pen, aerosol, polyurethane coat. (p.s. FOR SALE!)

Wednesday, March 28, 2012


 Wood, nail, iPod, headphones. 5.5'' x 11.5''

Potentially too controversial for prospective employers, this new piece will have to land here for now. Which is goofy but true. It's really more of a commentary on our societies collective newfound habit of worshiping technology -which I call "iDolotry"- than anything to do with Christianity. (Crucifixion was a form punishment used by several major civilizations before the Roman Empire, and after.) Every time I see the masses with their heads down and hands clasped around their little phones and iPods or whatever, completely oblivious and their minds somewhere else literally high in the sky, it looks like praying to me. Brings a whole new perspective on "Cloud" technology and divine (AKA wireless) inspiration. The satellites are our angels beaming down at us from heaven, protecting us from not knowing who's posted to our Facebook...

A note about the logo: One friend told me this could be a meme (I had to look it up and still didn't get it. So another friend clarified, and told me to put a watermark on it. I later got paranoid and agreed, but I think it makes it look silly/poppy. I tried my hardest to make it look like the QAD was designed for it.


Just happened upon this in a stack of papers, must be Lara's. But check the logo and compare it to the one I developed. Pretty odd coincidence...

Wednesday, February 29, 2012



This funny video is from Ecotricity, a green energy company based in Stroud, Gloucestershire, England specialising in selling and generating wind power. It is part of their new campaign entitled “Dump The Big Six”. The Big Six stands for British Gas, EDF Energy, E.ON, Npower, Scottish & Southern and Scottish Power.

Ecotricity founder Dale Vince OBE, the man credited with kick-starting the world’s green electricity market, believes now is the moment to topple the grey giants and bring the UK into the renewable energy future.

Ecotricity: Half of Britons feel the source of future energy supplies is one of the most important environmental issues facing the nation yet less than 1% currently use a green energy supplier (Ofgem, October 2011). Over 60% of UK households could switch to Ecotricity and get greener energy for not one penny more than they are currently paying.

The collapsing cooling tower imagery was inspired by web artist Herman Bailey’s “Sad Chimney” gif. Herman is credited as part of the creative team behind the campaign.

The campaigns starts with the viral video and with a Facebook app “Dump The Big Six”. The aim is to reach a huge audience.

Sunday, February 5, 2012


I hate having to concoct a logo for myself, and never did land on one I really liked. But the process of making logos is super fun.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Saturday, January 7, 2012


Super cool series online by Skateboarder Magazine, "Raiders of the Archives." They are short videos looking into the offices and/or archives (literally, shelves, boxes, walls) of great artists and photographers in the professional skateboard world. This post links to my favorite (though they are all great), that being Andy Jenkins, one of my favorite artists, whom I've posted about before. He gives the rare treat of showing some of the conceptual work that happens before a graphic or ad is made, including sketches and renderings from another one of my absolute favorites, Evan Hecox who does amazing graphics for Chocolate Skateboards.

Very inspiring series, and makes you want to dig into the vaults. (And get organized...)

Wednesday, January 4, 2012


Paint scrapers from 6 month-long lead paint removal on our porch. Mementos of endurance, His and Hers. Composite/Masonite hand-made frame, screw-mounted. Painted with the porch paint. No alterations of any kind were made to the tools. Just gel medium to seal in the lead paint coating.

My folks have been having a bit of a rodent problem...

Same type of frame build, 1 Victor mousetrap (proudly stolen from my folks), and one old, poor HP mouse.

Thursday, December 1, 2011


 High School project recently unearthed. Ron Knigge/Claudia Schiffer magazine paper weave.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011


9/11 Rubble SculptureTribal MaskLooking UpSubwayBrooklyn Bridge FadedGround Zero
Natural History Museum Bones in LobbyLaraInTheParkTower NeedleBrooklyn Bridge Support

NYC, a set on Flickr.

New York trip 2004, most of these photos were taken in 18 degree (0 degrees w/ wind chill factor) weather, clunking around rolls and rolls of film....

Friday, November 4, 2011


This was supposed to post by itself on the 31st.

Lara de los Muertos. Never done face makeup (on someone else) before. Fun.


Some really amazing ads for various causes, mostly found here. If I could get steady work only doing this kind of stuff I would be very fulfilled.